I came to the computer ready to tell you something else, and then because of blog posts from several friends, this week alone, I find the courage to discuss my problem in public…
living my life within the walls of home.
inability to leave home without my husband or a friend in tow.
able to watch simply gorgeous days go by my window and never step foot outside to enjoy it.
going to a party down the street, bursting into tears and nearly fainting dead on the floor… the consequence of which left me feeling like an ass.
trying to go to the post office, or into the city for much-needed dr appointments, not being able to find a parking space, completely loosing it in the parking structure, having to go all the way back home to reschedule, and then never making the second appointment.
going the dr and finding the parking space only to find out that the ticket machine wants exact change, the change machine is broken, the lady in the coffee shop won’t give you change even with a purchase, your fingers have become too cold to work the automatic teller machine in the hospital across the street, you are coming unglued in public and everyone is staring at the old lady who is crying and can’t speak coherently to ask for help. going back to the lady in said drs office, she finally acquiesces saying, “…even though I’m not supposed to!” and gives me a token so I can make my escape from the parking prison downstairs.
~~~ agoraphobia ~~~
The problem is taking its toll. I start to do something fun and get excited about working on a project and just as quickly as I begin I suddenly loose steam and find myself unable to do the work. It is a physical lethargy that actually causes me to crumple and I can’t go on…
~~~ perfectionism ~~~
I recently told a blogger friend that:
“I find that my perfectionism desire is so strong that it causes me not to try, or I try and then set it aside and dream of making it perfect. My other sickness is not allowing myself to do the fun stuff because “I really should be doing something important around here.” Like housework, and laundry. Hence, the battle in my head rages and nothing gets done.
I feel like I am in a whirlpool and lack the strength to fight my way to the surface sometimes.”
My husband even does all the shopping. He is very patient and I don’t know what I would do without him.
I tried to start up with a quilting guild and made it a few times because I knew I had a friend there from church… this lasted a total of about 3 visits and I couldn’t break inertia to go back.
For those of you who might wonder… here are two things not to worry about:
- My animals get tended to and fed everyday. I derive so much joy from them and love them too much to deny them care.
- I am not feeling so bad that I will hurt myself (I know what you’re thinking, don’t go there, I’m not.)
Well, that was totally out of left field, but this has been going on for far too long. So, if you are reading this and you are still with me, it means I pushed the post button and hope that my confession does not send you looking elsewhere for your reading enjoyment.
I promise not to post this here on the Farmlet again.